First Week Down

After taking off across the world, I wouldn't have known what difficulty awaited in moving back to school. Several months ago as I dreaded the leaving of and going to, I imagined such difficulty. Thankfully then the Lord gave me a little perspective that softened my heart to the idea. I don't remember exactly what I was reading at the time, but I believe it was in Isaiah. He reminded me that Jesus saw the difficulty that was ahead, and He chose to say yes. Sacrifice and surrender aren't easy; often these go against our flesh and require the Holy Spirit's divine softening and some guts. They take dependence. 

I just finished up a hard week that involved grieving, sadness, and tears mixed with joy, laughter, and love. I loved Spain. I had come to feel settled there, and then inevitably it was time to say goodbye. After spending a couple of months back home, it was time for yet more goodbyes. When I left for school last weekend it felt almost like I was grieving two losses: home and Spain. Again. 

All of that considered, combined with feeling out of place and without a community, it made for an emotional roller coaster type of week. I didn't realize how greatly I was blessed with a quick and deep community abroad and adversely how much I miss its absence. 

This is a time for me to decide if I really do believe Jesus - if I believe His love, His goodness, His faithfulness. It's a time to depend in the waiting. It's a time to hold out open hands, letting go and resting in my weakness. I am needy. And Jesus knows it and loves me deeply. He can minister where it's needed. 

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. 

Some of the highlights of this week have been reuniting with old friends, growing connections with some new ones, breaking out the Spanish, talking with a dear friend still in Spain, and seeking out whom God is calling me to specifically love this year. Oh, and starting a new job. 

Another aspect of this week was encoutering my flesh. Sin isn't easy to bear with inside of ourselves or in another. Sometimes it seems ironic that what bothers us about others is often something we struggle with ourselves. Pride is an ugly thing, and I don't believe anyone really likes it. I know in my heart it causes a rift between me and God and places an unapproachability around me to others. 

C.S. Lewis said, "A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” Sadly pride had a place in my heart this week, and unfortunately it too often does. Lewis also speaks about how pride and competition are directly related. For instance, if I wasn't so concerned about looking like I have everything together, maybe I could hear Jesus calling. Maybe I could see with His eyes. Maybe love could win. 

In my pride I can't see Jesus. I would wager to say at the same time I can't see people as Jesus sees them. I need humility so that my nose isn't stuck up in the air, drawing my eyes to the only thing visible: myself. 

I desire to be a real and true person who is changed by Jesus from the inside out. I want to be a lover of God who can't help but share the love that she has been so freely given. May I be found resting in His unconditional fountain of redeeming love so that sin might reign no more in my mortal body.