Some Thoughts and Tears

Just a warning: this is a long one.  I became slightly, or largely, introspective the past couple evenings.  It tends to happen occasionally.  J

In one of my first entries, I mentioned how leaving my family for Spain was reminiscent of my freshman year of college, a.k.a. terrible!  Lol.  I met a good friend while doing a youth weekend close to my college, and she moved into school this Thursday as a freshman!  I skyped her last night, and it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be to think about school starting again…with me across the Atlantic.  All this to say, I thought about more than my family dropping me off.    

More than one friend cautioned me to remember I’m not missing out on a ton back home while I’m here.  Of course there are memories, but it’s still the same old college life – which I’m planning on rejoining again next year.  Even though I know this, it’s still pretty strange and tough.  It’s definitely not thoughts of the required reading or busywork that come with school bringing tears to my eyes as I write this; it’s the people. 

God has blessed me with amazing friends, teammates, mentors, and professors throughout my first three years of college – both on campus and in my church.  I have so many good memories.  Everything wasn’t easy, but I feel like I learned a lot academically, socially, spiritually, and just about life. 

There are some big lessons I am so thankful God taught me during the past years that are going to make my time here much better I believe.  I left high school with a lot of fear that my friendships were going to dissipate – the Lord showed me that’s not always true.  There are some lasting friendships, and learning how those relationships change because of long-distance is a huge blessing to have learned before now. 

My tendency the first two years of college (and all four of high school) was to do everything.  I was super involved without asking the Lord what He had for me and my identity was wrapped up in what I did.  Going to college was tough, because I was no longer “needed.”  When I perceived I was needed again though, I fell into the same cycle.  My first semester of sophomore year, I finally – by God’s grace – realized I could not do it all.  Last year I had a life, I was involved in my church, and I made some new, amazing Christian friends.  I wouldn’t take back my time more involved, but I’m glad I now know I’m not called to everything.  Ha  J

Somewhere during my junior year, the Lord gave me a new-found ability to be myself.  This was only possible through His showing me my true identity in Jesus.  Because I am accepted, redeemed, and “made ok” through Jesus, I don’t have to fear people.  I still have a ways to go on this one, but I’m thankful for the breakthrough that’s come. 

The Lord showed me that pride and a judgmental spirit are always ugly.  He had to break me of these, and the journey hasn’t been easy for me or those I’ve hurt.  I’m so thankful that His grace is enough to cover my sins. 

I realized the Holy Spirit has to be my conviction, not someone else.  Unless God convicts someone of something, it’s very easy to make things legalistic.  The heart should be our concern – in ourselves and others.  For me, I saw investing in people needed to come first sometimes – perhaps even over things I am tempted to think are more important.  It might even require an all-nighter.   

He also opened me to see that investing in friendships, and being invested in, is worth it – even if only for a short time.  Towards the end of high school, I had the attitude that I was leaving, so why would I want to share myself with people?  Thankfully Jesus saves us from ourselves!  I am so grateful God showed me my misguided ideas here.  Even last year, knowing I was leaving for Spain, I gained some dear friends.  Don’t miss out on those whom you can love and who will love you because your time somewhere is short.  I have to keep this in mind with my time in Spain as well.

I also learned how to have fun.  I attempted to learn how to Ripstik.  I watched Boy Meets World.  I ate lots of Mexican food.  I played a lot of golf.  I traveled a lot to sing, play golf, and help with church weekends.  I had late-night convos with my roommates.  I said “Yes” to Spain.   

Finally: I began to learn how to love.  I began to see Jesus as where everything is at.  I began to hear, in my heart, that I need the gospel every day.  I began to see I have a great hope to share with those I meet.  I began to open myself up to people.  I began to live life more fully. 

I am certain Spain is where God has called me for this time, and I can’t begin to share everything or everyone who’s had an impact on my life these past three years specifically.  I know that I’ve just touched the surface of the mystery of Christ, and I know the Lord has plans to transform all His children into the image of His Son.  I was made for this purpose – to become more like Jesus and help others become like Him.  Not being in Hannibal right now is really hard, but I know there is a greater purpose. 

Thank you, Lord, for calling us and sustaining us.  May our lives always be laid down for You.